Spider-Sense

...and then the universe fixes itself. While it would have been nice to see Dara engage in a cat-and-mouse game with Weasel, this... is really no substitute, actually. The bit of excitement we just experienced is going to slow down considerably now. It is nice that Weasel cares about Dara's well-being. Perhaps after this storyline, the two can get together.

As for you, Spider-Man, you know darn well your spider-sense doesn't work like that. In face, I would say it doesn't work at all. It reacts to danger to your person, and a special frequency that allows people like Doctor Doom to contact you. You can also use a spider-tracer to find people, but only when you've put one on them. You can't just say, "Spider-sense, find Dara Dorset!" and expect it to do so.

More Excitement

Today the excitement is ramped up as Dara Dorset, knowing Kurt Kordok will kill her, decides to escape. This may kill her anyway, or at least scuff her up a bit. Oh wait, comic strip, gotcha. Either she'll be perfectly fine upon hitting the ground, or Spider-Man will swoop her up. I do like Weasel's "HEY!", as if that would do any good.

Wait... what?

Spider-Man is just swinging away? Into action, no less. He's not going to land, launching a boring argument between him and Jameson, ending with Jameson remarking that Dorset's been kidnapped. Why, he's being downright heroic. He's doing something he's supposed to be doing, and I for one am shocked. I can only guess that brick to the head shook him out of his "whine and complain" mentality and restored him to his former super-heroic self. Only time will tell, however, and I'm guessing at some point soon Spider-Man is going to start being whiny and whatnot again.

Foresight

Spider-Man's going to get all indignant on Jonah Jameson before the end of the week. I can feel it in my BONES.

Sleepy Cop

There are so many things vying for my attention in today's strip. How did Dara Dorset get tied up? Weasel just shoved her into the car and started driving: did she tie herself up? Weasel himself is a sight to behold, and I stand by my assessment of Weasel being a malevolent Jimmy Olsen. Jameson, meanwhile, is making a fool of himself while an odd-looking cop writes something down. He looks like he might be Frankenstein's Monster or a robot, or perhaps he's just fallen asleep. Perhaps we'll get answers to these questions and more tomorrow, though I seriously doubt it.

Spider-Man Back in Action

This week is starting off well with Spider-Man taking out two punks and launching into the sky in order to give Dara Dorset, who has been kidnapped, what for! Hopefully he'll actually catch up to Dara and Weasel before the week is out, and we won't have a week of Jameson and Spider-Man arguing.

Passed Out

So Dorset's been kidnapped, Jonah is confused, and Spider-Man is passed out in an alley. For some reason, that last one brings me much amusement. Worry not, Jameson: once Spider-Man wakes up (if he wakes up, he probably had a concussion from that brick) he'll continue on to the television studio and you'll be able to tell him all about it.

Limo Ride

If Dara had any sort of consistency, she would jump all over the chance to ride in a limo. Even if, you know, it's being driven by an evil Jimmy Olsen. We also have Jonah Jameson indulging in some healthy egotism. Isn't it nice to know this comic strip has wholesome characters?

Liars Never Prosper

Dara, Jameson is not the only one to believe you were Missus Spider-Man. Pretty much everyone did, including crime boss Kurt Kordok. In fact, his henchman Weasel is here so Kordok can lure the man you claimed to be your husband to his supposed doom. He will not care you have been lying. Hopefully, this will provide you with a valuable life lesson. Also, I wonder if Jameson will tell anyone he saw Dorset get kidnapped?

On another note, I'm starting a job tomorrow. I have no idea how this will affect the update schedule. Probably not at all.

What's a Jameson to Do?

While it would be wrong to say Dara Dorset has all her bases covered (seeing as how villains are still gunning for her, which seems to be a rather large oversight on her part) it's still rather cold to pretty much call the man who helped you escalate your life a fool. If I was Jameson, I would still reveal her to the public and either claim that I knew all along or just try to get along with my life. People have recovered from bigger scandals, and all Jameson has is a public access show. I doubt people would care that much.

Wha?

This came out of left field. I wasn't expecting Miss Dorset to just come out and admit she was lying about the whole Spider-Man wife thing. Even if it is just to Jonah, it's still something. I am suddenly kind of interested in where this is going to go. What's more is that Jameson just got royally screwed by Dorset. For the first time in several weeks I'm actually interested in what's going to happen in tomorrow's Spider-Man. Or maybe I'm just tired. Both are equally possible.

Something Potentially Interesting!

This is rather interesting, actually. I wonder what movie role Dara has gotten, and if it's legitimate or not. For all we know, it could be part of Kurt Kordok's sinister plan. Also, it would be fun if Mary Jane had a part in the same movie. There's so many ways this could breath some sort of life into this storyline, and I know that it'll just drag the whole thing down even more.

Also, if you like to read about me talking about Spider-Man, then you might like this!

Spider-Man's Head Trauma: Day Four

We enter day four of Spider-Man's head trauma. As you well know, the masked crusader (who has been punched in the head by the likes of Doctor Octopus's metallic tentacles, the Hulk, Namor the Sub-Mariner, and various other super-strong individuals) is still reeling from being hit in the head with a brick. Why his spider-sense did not alert him of this mundane danger leading him to use his spider-like agility to get out of the way is unknown at this time. Experts claim that it is because Spider-Man (who has grappled with those listed above and many more, along with lifting tons of wreckage above his head in order to deliver his aunt medicine, and emerged undaunted and fresh as a daisy) was winded from stopping a mid-sized sedan from smashing into a wall.

Spider-Man's alleged wife, Dara Dorset could not be reached for comment.

John Jonah Jameson, known opponent of Spider-Man and local pundit claimed, "That wall-crawler is a threat to this city and whichever city he happens to be in! The fact that a simple brick could keep him from his menacing ways for this long proves that not only is Spider-Man incompetent, but also out of shape and unsuited for his occupation!"

Mary Jane Watson-Parker, rumored to have a close connection with the superhero and star of the upcoming action film "Marvella" was unable to speak, and was openly weeping when contacted, her only intelligible words were "Dorset hussy" and "cheating bastard".

Peter Parker could not be reached for comment, presumably in the field taking pictures of this, Spider-Man's darkest hour.

Professor Otto Octavius, better known as Doctor Octopus, laughed maniacally and shouted, "Of course! A simple brick to the head! Here I was wasting my time with death traps and metal tentacles when all I needed was a half-brick in a sock!"

Finally, local vigilante Land Captain returned after a lengthy absence. After claiming to have been in another universe filled with super-heroes and saying that he's only here to empty his savings account, he responded to all inquiries regarding Spider-Man, the Parkers, and Dara Dorset with a knowing wink. After stopping a bank robbery utilizing his heretofore unseen physical prowess, he got into what can only be called a tricked-out RV and turned a corner. When we attempted to follow, we could not find him or his RV.

We will have more on this situation as it develops.

Hooray for Hollywood!

If she didn't want to be known as "Mrs. Spider-Man" then she never should have revealed it in the first place. The only reason any director would have her now is because she claims to be Spider-Man's wife. The publicity would be stupendous, and even if Miss Dorset has acting talent, the super-hero wife bit would overshadow it. In fact, they'd probably continually pester her to get her husband into the movie as well, at which point her career would take a nose-dive. After all, she couldn't possibly get Spider-Man to show up and the directors and whatnot would quickly become aware of that fact.

Does anyone remember when Spider-Man was lured to Hollywood, years ago? When he got there, he found they only wanted him as a stunt double. Likewise, a man who was imitating the wall-crawler got a movie deal after Spider-Man claimed he told the man to do so. Not to mention Lugo Belosi, the reoccurring "villain" who is, of course, based upon Bela Lugosi. In fact, the amount of plots having to do with movies in this strip is rather disturbing.

On a final note, I hope this Dorset thing is wrapped up by the end of the month.

Amnesia? Or Aren'tnesia?

While Spider-Man MIGHT have amnesia, I am really doubtful. It looks like the blow to the head just made him a bit woozy, causing him to not get to the television studio. This, in turn, convinces everyone, without a doubt, that Dara Dorset is Spider-Man's wife. That convinces Kurt Kordok that kidnapping her to lure the wall-crawler to what will most likely be a couple of thugs with handguns (hoping for a better trap would be folly, I feel) and then to Kordok himself. The only way this storyline could salvage itself is if Kordok turns out to the Kingpin or something. Otherwise, I will be very sad.

???

I have no idea what's going on with this one. I've spent the past twelve hours trying to figure it out, and have had no luck. My only guess is that the brick only made Spider-Man woozy for a minute, or something. Is he going to show up at the studio acting like this, prompting people to think he's drunk? More as it develops.

My Bubble Just Burst

It's a shame Spider-Man doesn't have some sort of danger-sense to warn him of things like this. Wait, what? A SPIDER-SENSE? Never mind, then. Also, if I'm not mistaken, I think I know where this is going. As per all old television shows and old cartoons, a conk on the noggin begets amnesia. So Spider-Man is going to get amnesia, forget he's married and his secret identity, then that woman is going to escort him to the television station where he can be given over to the custody of his "wife", Dara Dorset. Hi-jinks, of course, will ensue. They will ensue SO HARD. They will, most likely, not be at all interesting either. I miss Doctor Octopus.

Guest-Starring Popeye

Unless a bunch of thugs come piling out of that car, this will be a useless interval. Sure, Spider-Man caused some guy and his car not to get too damaged, but still. Also, I'd like to show you today's "Popeye" comic strip:

As you can tell from the above strip, the Goons have made Olive Oyl their president. Therefore, they have taken defensive measures against Popeye. What this means is that the Goons are better strategists than Kurt Kordok, because their plan actually makes sense.

Pleading

I hope someone interesting is in that car. I pray to God someone interesting is in that car. Or at least let Spider-Man deal with this quickly so he can end the whole Dara Dorset thing. Please?

Recipe

How to create a Spider-Man comic strip
Ingredients:
One (1) Radioactive Spider
One (1) Bookworm
Add conflict and super-villains to taste

Step One: Introduce the Bookworm to the Radioactive Spider. If all goes well, the radioactive spider will bite the bookworm giving him abilities not unlike those of a spider. If you are unable to coax the spider into biting the bookworm, keep trying!
Options: Depending on your tastes, you may want to give your bookworm an unprecedented mind for science. Also, perhaps a costume.
Recommended: A secret identity makes for plenty of fresh angst!

Step Two: Send your super-powered bookworm out into the world. Depending on your guests, you will want to do one of two things:
1) Have him face off against a colorful rogues gallery
2) Have him whine constantly about things and be generally ineffective
You may also mix and match this two attributes to your liking.
Options: Several love interests will make life interesting for your bookworm.
Recommended: In order to make sure he does not reveal his secret identity, give him elderly parent figures. For extra fun, make one of his early failures the death of one of these parent figures!

Step Three: Other conflicts can make life fun for your bookworm! One suggested conflict is a media or political figure dead-set against your bookworm's vigilantism. Other conflicts include a job and school.
Options: Too much conflict can make your bookworm angry and anti-social. A friendly face at school or work will help alleviate this!
Recommended: Don't be afraid to make one of the bookworm's teachers or employers the very same figure who so despises him!

Step Four: After mixing all of the above, bake at least half-way. Recipe can be altered to serve various audiences. Serve daily and enjoy!

Casual Web-Slinging

That e-mailer is the single most intelligent person in this comic. Dara is about to get her comeuppance while Spider-Man swings through Los Angeles very, very slowly. He certainly is taking his time, because as I understand it, web-slinging is a pretty quick way of getting around. At least we won't have another week of him web-slinging, as he claims to only have a few blocks to go.

Insanity

Jonah Jameson is hitting on Spider-Man's supposed wife, and the rest of the comic is just as insane. I seriously can't think of anything to say about today's comic, except that the third panel would be a lot more exciting if Spider-Man was racing off to battle a super-villain. Then again, I'm guessing Kordok's crew (krew?) is going to arrive at the studio tomorrow, or at least around the time Spider-Man does.

The Last Straw

That's an awfully shoddy reason to give as a final straw, but to each his own, I guess. I do like how Jameson seems to be scowling out of the television at Peter, beckoning him to come to the station. Peter does realize that if he goes to the station, Dara is going to make a tremendous scene out of whatever happens? If I were him, I would find out where she was staying and sort of drop in on her later. After all, when a man's reputation is on the line, mere breaking and entering laws are not boundaries.

Spider-Man (AKA Richie Rich)

I wouldn't complain if I were Peter. After all, his supposed wife remarking that Spider-Man is wealthy will lead people to think he's a rich guy. Seeing as how Peter is not even remotely wealthy, this excludes him. Also, if Mary Jane is watching, this will also prove Miss Dorset is lying through her teeth. All in all, she's doing him a favor.

Day Job

Peter: Jameson is not getting too close for comfort, because no matter how many Spider-Man questions he asks Dara Dorset, she cannot answer them. Dara does not know what Spider-Man's day job is, so you have nothing to worry about.

Monday Comic Mania!

I had been hoping that Monday's strip would be the typical re-hash of Sunday's strip, but for once they took the lesser-used path and sort of advanced the plot with Monday's strip. Sunday's strip is notable because Spider-Man has a moment of clarity and non-whinyness in the middle row of panels, so chances are he'll be hanging around Dara Dorset this week. This will simply exacerbate matters, though, as people will no doubt spot the less-than-sneaky wall-crawler and jump to conclusions. Monday's comic is notable because it reminds of "They'll Do It Every Time", in a vague way. Although I do wonder how much mileage he's trying to get from Dara Dorset, and if his show does anything other than bash Spider-Man. Most likely not.

Metapost: Pickle

I am in a bit of a pickle. The Houston Chronicle's Spider-Man comics are not working, as has been the case since Sunday. As soon as they start working again (or I find another place carrying the strip) I'll do my posts.

Jonah Jameson: Fair and Balanced

Jonah Jameson has no use for Emmys or Pulitzers: he a newsman so he can carry out absurd personal agendas against vigilantes. That is his first and foremost goal. Journalistic integrity is probably a distant second. Also, Pete: calling Mary Jane and leaving a vague message would be better than not calling at all.

Loretta the Sinister Slave-Woman

Loretta the Slave-Woman is looking more and more like Dara Dorset every day, and becoming infinitely more sinister to boot. She know something she's not letting on, and I'll bet anything her last name is "Dorset". We're on to you, Loretta. Watch your back.

Loretta the Slave-Woman

If Mary Jane believes Dara Dorset's claim, then Stan Lee is taking a bunch of liberties with the character's intelligence. However, we do get to find out that the slave-woman's name is Loretta. Perhaps she's in league with Dara Dorset, and this is some plot of theirs, or something. Why should she think Mary Jane cares about Spider-Man's wife?